Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
