I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
