He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
