drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
