never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
