its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
