I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Randomize
