i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize