As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
