i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
