Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
