He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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