it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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