I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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