; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
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