found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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