I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
