I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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