That's when you crack a 10am beer
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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