Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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