I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
