did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
