I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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