and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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