If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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