No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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