My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
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please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
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Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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