Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
