We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
