I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
