She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
