Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
