as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
