he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
