Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
