Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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