Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
