Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
