I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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