I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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