When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
