My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
