i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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