update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
