I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I think your dad took our porno
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
