i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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