saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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