I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
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I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize