You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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