i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
