Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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