cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Is it penis luge time yet?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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