I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize