So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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