Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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