You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
