So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
