you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
