I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
