life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
