I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
