Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
