hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
